hello, my name is christopher.

the truth of the matter is that i just don't understand. all those words that you said to me, i've tried to deconstruct them and i've tried to understand what you meant by them and so far, i can only comprehend what i think you meant. perhaps it's as far as i'll get.

everyone else either deeply understands our condition or they're merely faking it. if they do happen to understand, why can't I? they're not even involved in it and they get it. am I that blind? where i can't see what's in front of me? am i that old already? i have to confess though; from all of the phone calls that i've made to you in the past, for all the letters that still reside in my desk drawer, and for all of my apologies..

they are all true.

i pretend to be alright in the sunlight, and i pretend to thrive under clouds. you know... when the water floods to earth as if to escape some chamber that i has been held up in for ages? it flees to earth as quickly as i do from your line of sight.

in a few days i'm going to board a plane, and i'm sure that as i step across that gap between the jet and its walkway i'm going to be scared. i will be frightened but i will also be more than eager to get as far away from this place to see where i might live for the next 4 years of my little life. funny how i was dying to come home to you months ago. but you'll probably never see that part of me again. that part of me that rushed into your arms in front of camille's home. the part that held you for what felt like minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years. god i held you so tightly. i can still remember you looking at me from the top of her porch. just staring at me in silence wondering if it was really me, as if i had been lost forever. as if you'd seen my face in the crowd a million times and had learned not to get your hopes up. but it was me, and you ran. you ran so quickly to my arms. god i missed you.

you will most likely never read this, as it isn't quite intended for you to read. except for that last part about us seeing each other for the first time in a measly 7 days. however, if you do manage to trace its content i'm sure you will be a bit confused. you might even tell yourself to disregard it because you're over me.  but do we ever really get over anyone? or do we simply make our best effort in forgetting them? i've come to terms with the idea that i won't ever get over you, or have you again. it's okay if you can't do it either. we don't have to be in love, or love simply love each other. just don't beat yourself up about it. i've stopped. for the most part.

i keep looking for something to hold onto. something stronger than strong, and all the while i tell myself that i'm simply not cut out for this but yet i still continue to look. i'll keep looking and searching and rummaging through the packs of people hailing taxi cabs and yelling obscenities at television screens because their quarter back just missed the big kick. i don't know if i'll ever find someone. perhaps someone who is a cumulative of everyone i've ever loved? is that too much to ask for? maybe. maybe i just watched too many disney movies as a kid.

it's okay i keep telling myself. but i'm sure that like you, i have found out that most of the time it's not okay. i reach at straws and look desperate, but at times i just can't help myself. i'm so feeble at times, wanting love so badly but when i pull back i realize that there isn't a chance in hell that i could handle love.

you told me yourself that you loved me. you told me that you were in love with me. it made me feel so grown up. i knew you meant it. i had to ask if you regretted it, and you said no. it was such a surprise to me that night on the beach. it was one of our more cinematic moments as i recall. i was holding you in the sand. if my memory serves me correctly, we had been kissing a bit. you looked at me and told me, "i hope this doesn't creep you out or anything". how could it? i was so in love with you. i'd been waiting forever to hear it from your lips. you were so afraid i wouldn't feel the same. i didn't say anything for a moment, purely because i wanted to soak in the words. you approached love so strangely. 

then i hurt you.

let me tell you, as much as intentional as it seemed, i did not. it was not easy to watch myself destroy what we had built. and truth be told, i have absolutely no reasoning for it which i suppose in a way would make me insane. i'm so sorry that i hurt you. and i know that because of what i've done it will be more than difficult for you to ever trust someone new. 

i'm sorry.

you spoke to me tonight. you started up a conversation with me on the internet and we talked for a while. we spoke about current events in both of our lives and we hinted at things that happened while we dated. i liked it. maybe because i haven't talked to you in a month or two. i've lost track. but you did tell me that if we both end up going to school on the east coast, boston to be exact, that i would hit you up in 2011. that scared me. partly because you invited me to call, but also because it will be 2011. we will be adults.

it's the little things cathy. these small things that i blow out of proportion, subconsciously on purpose in order to keep the big things at bay.

don't be afraid. i'll be there, even after i hurt you.

i just hope that someday you'll see me there.

i love you.

this has been me not understanding