3/15/2013

What to do with all of this beautiful crackling emptiness? It weighs down with such a momentous threat. How empty this vastness laid before me, like I had any moment at all to spare. As if linear time would allow for such indulgences.
If only I could travel and fill this empty slate of a mind so that it might not want for worry and regret. That it might not continually pace without peace in sight.

Let my self escape to the furthest clutches of the Earth, only to be greeted by an ever-expanding chasm to reach across time itself. Set ablaze by the immense continuity fed into motion by only irony. And even still...instilled with a vague and unpredictable sense of total and absolute chaos.

Here we all are, waiting for that last little push.
Drawing ever deeper within itself, the pressure builds and we gather forming unrecognizable lines and streaks and scribbles along a familiar background. And all of a sudden it all falls into place as if we had been utterly blind prior to this revelation.

Babylon had not seen such wonders.

Rome had not dreamt of such a perpetually unraveling window and veil.

Atlantis had never felt closer.

falling faster

and suddenly I'm falling.
right out from under me the ground has up and disappeared.

this disappearance was reported a long while back,
but each day is as worse as the first.
some impressive ideals once held my heavy feet
yet now they soar freely losing altitude in a hurry.

while smoke drifts away into a night sky barely lit by a crescent moon
a busy mind is assembling the pieces of fractured words.
mending shocked memories
temples abuzz with fragments and the thought of loss

and so I run.
I gain speed. I can't see my feet in front of me.

I'm getting faster.

it's whatever you want. whatever you need.

if I were to separate and divide my being into quadrants.
if I were to sever emotions and glue memories together.
if I could describe again, I would describe the blossoming
of a fourth of life. the coming together a lifetime of extinguished hope.

but it's hope that persisted in this dormant life form.
and springing forth in spring with a beautiful duty.
a hunger to serve another and above all care.

in an instant we've built a home to weather storms of every frequency.
in a blink foundations have been set and settled.

like magnets pulling and pulling and pulling
I find myself being pulled.
and pulling.

and with brilliant light centered on shut eyes
we've been absorbed and enlightened into
what is and what shall be infinity.

broken curses

and all of a sudden it was solved. a problem that persisted with and within this user had simply vanished as if it had never existed. but it had existed, hadn't it?

with an inclination to fathom hardwired into being, it's no wonder that this entity constantly seeks its undoing…lusts for any sliver or scrap of information that holds potential for understanding.

for later

All of the pieces fit together and a world view becomes an unobstructed. As if it were cyclic, no one ever speaks of her again. No one person speaks of the winds who ravished the Indies, or the spirals who leveled the playing field for mother. An organic timeline to promote a humble human being. The dirty skyline closes in on what's left of what some call Man, and all I see is the tail of one lonely comet.

forever

i haven't spoken to you in months. not because i didn't want to, or because you didn't want to. we've just both been so busy that we didn't have much time to catch up and eat a small meal over cracking conversation while we both secretly reminisce about what used to be.

who does have time for that sort of thing?

we should. because i miss you, and i miss the honesty that lays nestled in your eyes.
i miss the complete lack of self confidence you have for yourself and
how i would be there to put it back in and
sew you up when you came undone. what ever happened to us?

what ever happened to you. did we grow up and apart?

i got some service so i called you, because i loved you. you picked up and i had to put you on hold. you hated me for that.

and i broke your heart. and i had no idea.
but you have no idea that you're breaking mine.
how is it, that you can still cause me pain and heartache after all of these years sweetheart?

don't you know that love notes have a recipient field?

listen to these old hymns and understand why i pin metal to my chest. i could never refuse. baby, if you only knew...but i don't think you do.

photographs

isn't it fascinating how you can look at a photograph and fall completely in love with it in a matter of seconds? the subject of the photograph is circumstantial, of course, based on the viewer's taste. but falling deeply in love with a photograph to the point of needing to purchase it, save it, download it, reblog it, etc. is it the subject that we fall in love with, or the idea of manipulating time...if only an instant?

glass houses

the destruction of relationships is a curious thing. everything that we are faced with as human beings is so incredibly fragile. one wrong word or action and everything comes crumbling down. it's astonishing how we build ourselves up and create this idea that somehow we're all strong and can weather anything that's thrown at us. heartbreak, death, etc. the truth though, is that we're all glass houses and we all crack over time, some more than others. and over enough time and experience we all just seem to shatter.

We Are

Even though I had known it, I hadn't really realized it. And it was this realization that stopped my heart. Right now, it's not about what created us, or if there are aliens, or even if Atlantis existed. The only thing that matters right now is us, as a whole. Our entire experience as human beings interacting with one another. It doesn't matter if we're the only intelligent life in the universe. What matters and what we seem to take for granted is that WE are intelligent beings. We're so busy looking for something else to talk to, we don't take a minute and say hello to other human beings. Celebrate us. We are here, now, and we exist.

keep going.

living in fragments of moments really makes one wonder.
it inspires wonder at the odd question of mere existence.

if i were to drive for hours on end...

this

this would be me trying out my new blog software Blogo. loving it. also, a sample image.

I'm so sorry

It's so strange how people can tell you things without even knowing. If you have a question that always exists in the back of your head, tucked away somewhere...you'll constantly be answering it. It's a sad thing to think of a person and realize that they're merely temporary and have no major impact on your life. It's a sad thing to know you won't remember a persons name. A human being whom you exchanged words and thoughts with. It's terribly sad, but,

I think I realized tonight that I won't remember you.

jb

You looked like such a happy person, before all of this. I didn't know you, and you didn't know me, but we were the same person. We just didn't know it yet. We don't know it now. But I know it and so do you.

It has been so long since you've been able to love someone with your heart. You've meandered about the waiting room for months. But that room only yields bad news, and that's what you have. You've got bad news, friend. I'd tell a beautiful soul like yourself that I've fallen in love, and at points I truly believe it myself. There are moments when I can think of no one else, and your individual emotions overcome my humanity; swallowed into another state of being...an empathic reality. But in the long run, I know that you are you, and that I am myself. & there is little to no major or minor interconnection.

You say, "I love you". You have said, "I love you". You will say, "I love you". I know you mean it on a certain level, but I urge you: if you do not mean it the way I've stacked it up in my head, please don't say it. I've built this despicable state that filters words and phrases that shuffle in with a blasé demeanor. But the single phrase that you have uttered twice now leaves me on my knees with my hands out in front of me. Begging, longing for more.

I beg for more of you. I could never have you, and I'm more than aware of that in any mental capacity or state, but that does not keep one from wishing. & I love you. But I love you in the way that I mean it.

I'm so sorry that he hurt you. That he scarred you. That he imprinted permanent damage onto your impressionable skin. It was not fair, and I'm sorry you're frightened to get close to anyone else. Be okay. Be free. Please be healed.
I beg...

fading

this apparatus has done me no favors. it tailors to no one person's specific needs and leaves me soaked out in this warm rain. but a confession leads to embarrassment and pity.

words can never be lassoed once emitted. traveling at one million confused-random-palpitating-hearts per second. passing like a monarch over a dreary-eyed solar system, distant stars begin to wink in your direction. but I must confess to you that these stars...the balls of intense gas and overbearing love...the ones that fade in the distance..they are mere echoes of a once immense energy. your love is long gone, but you can gaze into the past.

stare into me.

Little Blue Briefcase

You dropped your briefcase sweetheart.

It's funny how you kept walking down that ever busy sidewalk without it. You left it here unintentionally in my hands. Caring or not, loving or destructive. The contents of your blue briefcase are at the mercy of me.

Please don't hate me, but curiosity got the best of me when I saw tears dripping from the 4 part lock of your blue briefcase. Too many people feel their birthdays are a safe combination.

Your birthday was printed on the handle. It spoke no words when I opened it. I almost mistook it for being blank when only smoke escaped. Only smoke gasping for air and scarred & scared sacred little velvet cigarettes.

You never came back for your baby. You must notice it's missing. It's your little blue briefcase.

Katie.

Kathleen, why can't you comprehend
that not all lives are meant to blend?

Even if I did meet you in a life when we were both cats. Cats that slept under the dead of night, watching shooting stars scrape against the ozone letting in an absence of anything. Ripping holes in humidity. Oh Kathleen, you were always a better Kat.

But Katie dear, your blood is thickening. Your being thrown up against walls and forgotten about. They forget to put food in your bowl and water you do you grow nice and tall. Sprouting in all directions getting ready for harvest.

Katie, Katie, Katie. You never did quite learn how to be fruitful. You always kept to yourself and watched the cars slide on icy patches. Spinning and turning and screeching with their distant red tail lights. They screamed your name, didn't they?

Kate! Why, oh why Kate! Why did you have to play your violin so loudly that Sunday morning? You know full well that Sundays are for rest in this house. So you jumped ship and hoped that you had learned how to swim in a past life. But no such luck. I think you must have been a rock in your past life. Yeah Kate, you must have been a rock. Be my rock Katie?

Won't you be my stone.

You know my name.

Well it's not the way
You looked at me
When you said that
Everything could be
And I swore I'd
Never understand what you meant
When you said that this is
Just a place, to practice feelings
Charm and grace
I never said I'd understand
A thing.

But you seem to have a way
With words and you just steal away
Protecting yourself at any cost
Or means
You said you knew it wasn't fair
To just leave me standing out there
But you couldn't help yourself
It seems

Well it's not because
You said my name
The real one,
that you had learned
But the way you said it
Tone of voice
Licking your lips
And tasting concern

So give me patience
Kiss my wounds

now.

I've definitely got to stop thinking. Not in any sort of developmental thinking. No, but I'd like to stop turning over broken glass and looking through old boxes. There's nothing there any more. The cardboard is ripped and the glass yields no reflection.
That only leaves the future, if there ever was such a thing.
We're all radios just tuning into each other's frequencies. Sometimes we get real good at it and we can hold it there. But other times...we just lose track. The dial spins and we can't find each other anymore. Like an old man fumbling around in the dark we trip and become blind to any frequency we ever held.
But in the memory of events we create a past. Two sides of the same coin reveals a future, but where does that leave the present? The NOW.

It's always the now. Right now. Even now. You're always living in the now. We all operate on this same plane of existence. This now; dancing pretty little ballroom twirls and sexy tango dips atop this rusted collectible coin. Shoving our hands in our pockets and watching kites catch the ever-elusive wind and soar.

It's still now. Tune in.

colossus

and so it is unsettling. to be at one with such a monster that shares this space. a monster that I've known for far too long. he and I have become close, to my unease of course. but i couldn't bear to ignore the lust that goes on in my self when this monster swells inside my being. this hollow shell of a body that i've come to occupy is nothing more than a vessel to deliver disappointment and hatred, or rather inspire it within others.

when an act is said and done however,
i do no more than shake hands with him
and wink.

no one understands this villainous phoenix.
burning brightly to explode in a murderous flash.
born again slowly from the ashes of memories.
i won't pretend to.

this beast is a demon that I hate, but can't help but be overcome by. and when it does shake my morality and cover me in a repulsive abhorrent veil...i'm swallowed. i become something i would never intend to be or wish upon anyone.

let it wash over me, it's the only way to survive. let me become the beast.

?

I can't pretend that I didn't do it. Obviously, I did as it's staring me in the face. But I had to do it. Everyone needs light in life. Everyone needs that unmatchable feeling of illumination. To be cast out of shadow and live in the energy beating down on your face. So, I stole it. It's not like anyone's going to miss it, there are plenty. People may question my motives and maybe deem me as less than the rest. Like somehow, I'm less of a human being for stealing. If anything, I believe thievery makes one more human.

It's something we all have, yet most of us choose to pretend to be better than what we really are. All of us play this charade that we're upstanding human beings who want peace and crave a hand holding across the globe. The truth of the matter is that no quicker than a dog runs to a bag of dog food do we want to see a person die. We make it socially unacceptable to murder, but it runs in our blood. It's pouring through our very veins. Through your veins as you read this. You may think to yourself: "No. I could never do that." But you don't have to pretend for me or for yourself or anyone else. Take two seconds and dwell within your inner self. You know deep down that you're a killer. You're a murderer. It's buried deep within us, instinctually.

When no one is looking, you love it. You live in that underlying instinctual self. Your eyebrows furrow and social yes and no's fly out the window. And you can't tell me that it doesn't feel...phenomenal... to be your true self. To be what you were born to be. Human beings have this concept planted deep within their consciousness from the beginning of their physical lives that they are not to steal, kill, etc. Were there no government, no one patrolling the streets, I think we would all do what we had to do to survive pretty quickly.

This brings me to another point. What is the point of surviving? What is our end game? So we keep the human race around for another couple thousand years. Then what? We achieve nothing more than we have in the past 2000? Only recently have we jumped ahead and found all this science and electronic know-how. But where did it all come from? Why did it appear out of nowhere after thousands of years of nothing. Stone buildings, simple machinery.

A mere 200 years ago we were curing sicknesses by sucking the blood out of the ill. We went from dumb as rocks to advanced technological people who can wire circuit boards no bigger than your thumb nail and watch full movies on a screen that fits in your pocket. Where did we come from? Why are we here? What have we done as murderous primitive beings to deserve such blessings? Is there a God? Or were we created by way of genetic mutation and simply deemed our creator who had the knowledge of such mutation as a God who traveled through space from planet to planet?

I'd like to know.