tuesday is coming

tuesday is coming.

tuesday is coming and i have no idea how to handle it. i hope to God that i get accepted to Berklee College of Music. i've been told though that whether i get in or not, it's not the end of the world. no matter how many times i hear that from someone else or let it drip out of my own head, i don't think i can avoid feeling crushed or lifted. obviously, i'm hoping for the latter but we shall see. i was told today that i had two ghost letters of reccomendation written for me and that people love my voice.

it's strange to imagine what people think of you when they've only known you for a short amount of time. you have known you for your entire life and you're completely aware of all of your flaws, even if the the scars aren't present anymore. these people though, they only know you for a short amount of time. they don't know who's heart you've broken, or how many promises you've broken, or how many sundays you've sat around and done nothing, or how many hours you've lounged around in a self loathing relationship with your own mind. it's a lucky thing that they don't know that part of you, because there would be a bit more to consider when accepting you to college.

i'm being dreadfully obvious, something i've always tried to avoid. but i can't help it in these times of introspection. i can feel my heart beating at a quickened pace. it reminds me of what it sounded like when i got my wisdom teeth out. they hooked me up to machinery so i could hear my own pulse.

it sang me to sleep

my own steady pulse is something i'll always have to keep to myself. my heart is something i've shared with a few people. they've felt it beat through the bone that traps it in like an animal in a cage. through the meat and muscle that surrounds it and houses it.

what does a heart sound like.
how does a heart beat.