shhh...

welcome autumn.

sitting up straight in this dilapidated bed struggling to catch my breath. like a cadaver, my limp body flops down against the sheets displaying gravity at it's fullest. and as the ceiling stares at me, I get lost for what seems like hours in the patterns and grooves. the grooves that become ocean waves in a dark, unforgiving water. my eyes float across the ocean and realize their confinement as they smash into the four corners of my bedroom. 

the four corners of this small bedroom.

the four of them live beside a window. a window that breathes in alley air and reflected light. tonight though, the intoxicating moonlight floods my little box. it lights up the quarters like I couldn't dream of doing in 15 years. 

and as summer sets on the horizon, it's tonight that fall rises in the eastern sky. it's tonight all the leaves dry up and crunch under our feet. and it is  tonight that a breeze blows the humidity away from my skin, and allows a cooler face to sit down at my dinner table.

her gag reflex

press lightly and the hammers crack. they slam down with a certainty that it's all they were ever meant to do. if i could only own that same certainty...to be absolutely sure of what i was made to be or do. my programming tells me to reproduce, but it's more than that...it has to be more. 

as my fingertips grace yours and trace the charcoal laid deeply within your fingernail beds, i wish as hard as i possibly can to be put to sleep. i'm dying to jump under the covers and be surrounded by that charcoal until it slides down my throat like a thick coat of oil. trickling down my weathered esophagus only to be rejected by a reflex. 

am i oil?

i've been rejected just as quickly as my acceptance was made public. some primitive reflex must have kicked in and sent me on my way. that reflex only makes my resolve stronger. it packs my suitcase for me. it sits on the old bag in an attempt to shut it while there are clearly too many items packed into one tight little area. it closes the latches...

your reflex makes me yearn for the east coast like i yearned for you. it makes me stretch my sorry arms out and clutch at nothing but air. some feeble attempt to hold on. 

the restless wind blows through my tired fingers creating some desperate melody.

perhaps..

and even though i curse the sky for not being able to make up it's mind..

i'm quite guilty of the same crime.

however, my decisiveness is of far less importance than yours.

i have walked through these littered streets, searching desperately for some sign of reality, for something to scream to me at the top of it's lungs. something that will become so  terribly obvious and apparent that it will steal my full attention. 

something that will draw me inward in a ghastly fashion. something that will lift me off of my broken soles and pull me.

something that will let me feel it's heart beat...

something that i can feel, breathe, taste, touch, see...

something with blood pumping viciously through it's crooked veins that lay tangled in some sort of irregular, gorgeous symmetry.

some one that i can hold...

have i found you?

los angeles,

i'm yours.

i don't belong here anymore. 

oh what a charming sight.

you've always struck me as someone charming.

eloquent words and your gestures with hands.

i've got plans to tell the whole world

through guitar strings and microphone stands.

you see, i've had this crazy idea

that you and I would grow old in time

this idea's drifted through my head

it's all i've thought of for quite some time

i sit and dream in this lazy taxi

creeping it's way through crowded streets

and there's a ticket in my front coat pocket

to take me east  so we don't have to see...

and you'll be trapped inside this box here

i've taped the windows and nailed the doors

and you'll be trapped for another full year

searching for loose boards in the floors.

"you've gotta let this go now"

a phrase i've heard too many times

cause i've become so damn attached now

i've committed my imperfect crime

and now the wind is screaming

telling me to be divine

to "let this all go, briskly

and then you can have that piece of mind."

but i can see your breath now

drifting away into the darkened sky

littered with carbon, pain, and oxide

twisting up, and resembling mine

our voices clench each other

in a struggle for their rightful place

to reach each others earlobes 

they battle fearless in this empty space.

and i can tell you're freezing.

your nose will always sell you out

you start to say you're fine though,

i know you're drowning and you can't get out.