translated:

And it dawned on me. It's all about translation. Everything you sing, breathe, talk, scream, and live about depends on a translated foundation. If something doesn't translate well, you have nothing. You're lost.

a familiar drive

Why would I throw my lifeless body into something that I've seen people die from? I find myself and others frequently convincing ourselves that we're a different story. It won't happen to us, because we aren't them. How foolish we can all be for that. Ragdolling down the countryside into what will surely be my end, my limbs flop and twist in undersirable contortions.


In my dreams, I wander. It's no different than what I do in my conscious state, but in my dreams I feel no shame. When I'm awake and answering questions I feel guilty that I don't know what I want. My dreams however leave me wandering down empty corridors. Aged pillars decaying and crumbling left and right as tiles crack under the weight of my indecision. Here it comes.

cringing.

i wasn't that star. i didn't explode. i still do laps around galaxies, but now they're not so close... they're farther away these days. watching the lives of others and their dreams falling all around them like dirty recycled los angeles rain drops. that water is thick like blood. blood that runs down steep palos verdes and beverly hills driveways into the gutters where we've all slept once or twice by now.

i want to know where you swim at night. what nebulas you frequent. which stars you love to watch explode. and most of all, what planets you want to destroy. i can help you decimate celestial beings. let me.

these songs that you've chosen for me are something deeper than i probably know. but my very thinking about that possibility leaves me wondering if they're meaningful at all or if they're simply melodic constructions held together by chicken scratched lyrics on loose leaf paper.

write me something scary.

write me something beautiful.

just don't stop writing me.

today is a day that's just like all the others. however, it's a day to remember in my book. today is the first day that i can breathe. and it feels good.

songs worth singing.

killing just to kill something,
just to remind me that i can.
i've lost my memories of faith
there are thoughts that i can't stand.
on being cast out of a house,
a palace on our sides
constructing corners, pleading coroners
a man caught me with my pride.

i've been throwing rocks at panes
but the windows have been wrong,
i've been missing all these nights
but i've learned the words to all the songs.

sing these songs.
please, sing along.

konfusion.

god i miss you.
there are so many words that i can string together to form sentences. so many things i want to convey to you, things that would take years to properly understand.

i just wish we could stand in that kitchen once more with your bare feet on that cold aged tile. i wish we could be quieter than the night. everyone else had gone to bed and we just stood there drinking water out of glasses. an uncooked pizza on the counter just begging to be shoved in the oven. you had been fighting earlier that night and you were drunk, but i knew you were there. you were there more than you had been sober. the alcohol on your breath spoke volumes to me. you had me punch-drunk.

nothing had to be said, and that was just okay. we could just look at each other and be. please understand.

of course you can.
of course you can.

avalon

and when i walked away, i didn’t look behind me. i knew you were there so there was no real point in making sure of what i was already certain of. i never thought i’d step foot in that house again, to be honest. that piano bench. that couch. we just sat there and talked to each other. just like it used to be. i passed over the threshold and saw you standing there. “shit” was one of the first five words out of your mouth. you looked so…at home. it made me feel that way. for the first time in a year and a half, you had your defenses down. you had no guard, and at first it scared me a little. but the more you looked at me out of the corner of your eye and the more we laughed, i felt better. there was something leaving both our skins at an alarming rate over those two hours. those two hours that dragged on and on. it was something that infiltrated the entire living room. somehow though, only the two of us were engulfed in what we let out.

nothing had to be said.

but i was grateful that movie was so long, because i hadn’t seen you as you in such a long long time.

and then i remembered you telling me that the more you saw me, the more you wanted me to stay. and how much that scared you. the end is coming, and you will split in half. i want to help when you need it. because i know you, and you will. “you’re the reason i love losing sleep” because i love you, and you will.