konfusion.

god i miss you.
there are so many words that i can string together to form sentences. so many things i want to convey to you, things that would take years to properly understand.

i just wish we could stand in that kitchen once more with your bare feet on that cold aged tile. i wish we could be quieter than the night. everyone else had gone to bed and we just stood there drinking water out of glasses. an uncooked pizza on the counter just begging to be shoved in the oven. you had been fighting earlier that night and you were drunk, but i knew you were there. you were there more than you had been sober. the alcohol on your breath spoke volumes to me. you had me punch-drunk.

nothing had to be said, and that was just okay. we could just look at each other and be. please understand.

of course you can.
of course you can.

avalon

and when i walked away, i didn’t look behind me. i knew you were there so there was no real point in making sure of what i was already certain of. i never thought i’d step foot in that house again, to be honest. that piano bench. that couch. we just sat there and talked to each other. just like it used to be. i passed over the threshold and saw you standing there. “shit” was one of the first five words out of your mouth. you looked so…at home. it made me feel that way. for the first time in a year and a half, you had your defenses down. you had no guard, and at first it scared me a little. but the more you looked at me out of the corner of your eye and the more we laughed, i felt better. there was something leaving both our skins at an alarming rate over those two hours. those two hours that dragged on and on. it was something that infiltrated the entire living room. somehow though, only the two of us were engulfed in what we let out.

nothing had to be said.

but i was grateful that movie was so long, because i hadn’t seen you as you in such a long long time.

and then i remembered you telling me that the more you saw me, the more you wanted me to stay. and how much that scared you. the end is coming, and you will split in half. i want to help when you need it. because i know you, and you will. “you’re the reason i love losing sleep” because i love you, and you will.