shhh...

welcome autumn.

sitting up straight in this dilapidated bed struggling to catch my breath. like a cadaver, my limp body flops down against the sheets displaying gravity at it's fullest. and as the ceiling stares at me, I get lost for what seems like hours in the patterns and grooves. the grooves that become ocean waves in a dark, unforgiving water. my eyes float across the ocean and realize their confinement as they smash into the four corners of my bedroom. 

the four corners of this small bedroom.

the four of them live beside a window. a window that breathes in alley air and reflected light. tonight though, the intoxicating moonlight floods my little box. it lights up the quarters like I couldn't dream of doing in 15 years. 

and as summer sets on the horizon, it's tonight that fall rises in the eastern sky. it's tonight all the leaves dry up and crunch under our feet. and it is  tonight that a breeze blows the humidity away from my skin, and allows a cooler face to sit down at my dinner table.

her gag reflex

press lightly and the hammers crack. they slam down with a certainty that it's all they were ever meant to do. if i could only own that same certainty...to be absolutely sure of what i was made to be or do. my programming tells me to reproduce, but it's more than that...it has to be more. 

as my fingertips grace yours and trace the charcoal laid deeply within your fingernail beds, i wish as hard as i possibly can to be put to sleep. i'm dying to jump under the covers and be surrounded by that charcoal until it slides down my throat like a thick coat of oil. trickling down my weathered esophagus only to be rejected by a reflex. 

am i oil?

i've been rejected just as quickly as my acceptance was made public. some primitive reflex must have kicked in and sent me on my way. that reflex only makes my resolve stronger. it packs my suitcase for me. it sits on the old bag in an attempt to shut it while there are clearly too many items packed into one tight little area. it closes the latches...

your reflex makes me yearn for the east coast like i yearned for you. it makes me stretch my sorry arms out and clutch at nothing but air. some feeble attempt to hold on. 

the restless wind blows through my tired fingers creating some desperate melody.

perhaps..

and even though i curse the sky for not being able to make up it's mind..

i'm quite guilty of the same crime.

however, my decisiveness is of far less importance than yours.

i have walked through these littered streets, searching desperately for some sign of reality, for something to scream to me at the top of it's lungs. something that will become so  terribly obvious and apparent that it will steal my full attention. 

something that will draw me inward in a ghastly fashion. something that will lift me off of my broken soles and pull me.

something that will let me feel it's heart beat...

something that i can feel, breathe, taste, touch, see...

something with blood pumping viciously through it's crooked veins that lay tangled in some sort of irregular, gorgeous symmetry.

some one that i can hold...

have i found you?

los angeles,

i'm yours.